10/16/19 at 5am in the MORNING!
So I can’t sleep. I went to sleep late irritated and woke up early mad. Lord please forgive me. I know we should never let the sun set and remain angry, but sometimes I find that my anger comes out of nowhere. Sometimes I feel like I could literally turn into the incredible hulk.
If you don’t know me, I am a single mother of a beautiful 2 year old baby girl. Long story short, her father vanished the day I told him I was pregnant and reappeared four months ago (the longer version of this story will come sometime soon). Well when I say reappeared, I meant to say that I hired a private investigator to find him. But who cares about the details! Anyhoo, if you didn’t catch that last part he entered the picture just four months ago. So yes it’s great that he is now being an active father in our daughter's life, and playing daddy warbucks and shelling out the dollars to provide. Bravo sir...slow clap for you as you do what you should have already been doing! But I digress. I have to give it to the man, he’s doing his part...now.
Why all the added sauce at the end of my sentences?? Because it’s hard for me to be ALL the way happy. I’m excited for my daughter as she gets to be a daddy’s girl. Every girl deserves that. But for me, having him back in her life means that you are back in mine. So with that comes all of the emotions that I have kept locked away and some new ones, as I now have to share my baby with someone who is jumping on the bandwagon and trying to take credit for all of the hard work I have done. Yessir she may look like you, but I prayed over and nurtured this child all while having to deal with the fact that you weren’t there to help.
So please excuse me if I roll my eyes a time a two, or suck my teeth when you try and give me “parenting advice” or tell me that you want to take her thanksgiving and I can just have her Christmas. What I want to scream at him daily is “YOU DON’T GET TO MAKE DEMANDS!! I RUN THIS! YOU ASK THE QUEEN IF YOU SHOULD SPEAK AND I WILL TAKE IT UNDER CONSIDERATION!!”- and insert the handclaps accordingly. But instead I try and adjust and cooperate and “see it from his side”, all while highkey seething on the inside. I know… it’s all a work in progress.
So tell me single mothers who have been in my shoes… when does it get better? When do you stop resenting him for leaving, even when he's doing the right thing? When do the emotions stop taking a toll on you?
From a mother who’s left eye twitches almost every time she thinks about this entire situation,
Imani
